Saturday, May 1, 2010

"House of Pain"

"I didn't write these pages and my script's been re-arranged. No, there's no one home in my house of pain." (House of Pain by Faster Pussycat)

Yes, I did (do) like the hair bands. I guess that was my time, the 80's. I was young in the 80's. Not a teen yet but older brothers rub off on you. I listened to what they listened to and MTv still played videos then too. So I watched alot of MTv and I guess power ballads speak to me. LOL. Back then I WANTED a father. I felt like the stepchild with my stepfather. I really did. There was tension. The truth is I wanted to see that he loved me just like his real kids. Maybe nothing he could have done would have been enough. I thought about my real father. I wondered what he would be like. The truth is I thought about the lyrics to this song alot. The only problem was that I wasn't sure which father to blame it on.. or dedicate it to. Reading some recent blogs by my mother who is simply speaking from her heart has really brought it home for me. Her house of pain.... All by the same man really. Her husband, my father?? Should I call him a father? I read about the abuse and pain he inflicted. I look at the emptiness I felt and still feel. Like the lyrics to the song, "Daddy, wasn't I worth the time?" I can't say we lost because I think he is the one who LOST. I miss the father I didn't have. I wish I had the father that called me his princess and showered me with love. I wanted to be a daddy's girl... to someone. I believe the King who calls me princess is the heavenly father. I just wish that really made it better... Sometimes it does, sometime it just doesn't.